


Samurai Abstinence Patrol Vs. Ninja Sex Party Vol. 69.69

by WoozleBucket



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Danny's actually badass for once, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Time Travel, based off their songs, poorly written action scenes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoozleBucket/pseuds/WoozleBucket
Summary: After last leaving our heroes in the wake of their victory in the year 6969, they feel a disturbance in the Sex Force once again. Who could have caused this, and who exactly are these mysterious voices calling our heroes back to the past?Join Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian on their newest adventure for the low, low cost of one bajilliion dollars!(Also, you're totally lame if you don't read this, just saying.)





	1. Issue One: It's Time (get it?)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Well, here we go again! I've spent way too much of my personal time of this thing, and it's still not completely finished! Thanks to the beautiful Canadia for being my beautiful, Canadian beta for this hot mess. Updates should be daily if I remember. If I don't, it should be at least once a week. 
> 
> \-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Ninja Brian meditates, Danny is serious, time travel happens, and an old woman dies. Sounds about right.

(hello. yes. can you hear me?)(yes, me too. can you hear us?)(we’re scared.)(they’re all around us.)(yes, all around, yes.)(we need help)(you’re a helper.)(a helper, yes. help us.)(help us, helper. please.)(scared, help, yes.)(help us.)(help us.)(COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE RUNTS!)

Brian’s eyes snapped open. The voices were back. They had been calling out to him the entire time he had been meditating, but Brian knew there wasn’t anything he could do for them. They were gone, long dead, but there was just something about these three voices…

Danny stuck his head into Brian’s open doorway with a serious exression on his face.

“Ninja Brian,” he said. “We need to go bac in time right now.”

 _What’d you do this time?_ Brian asked.

“Nothing. I just have this feeling we need to go back in time. Somebody can’t bone, and that somebody is scared for their life,” Danny answered.

Rolling his eyes, Brian stood up and grabbed his ten billion swords off of the rack hanging off the back of his open door. _Fine, let’s go._

Danny gravely nodded and ran down the hallway to Danny’s Time Machine Room. Deciding not to waste any energy, Brian just teleported into his seat on the time machine. Danny arrived a literal minute later in his Time Machine Unitard.

Sharing a look with Brian, Danny dramatically said, “Let’s roll,” and slammed his hand down on the Big Red Button™. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Danny was humming something to himself, idly turning in his chair. Brian sat, bored, in his seat, waiting for just the right moment to stop the machine. He never did like the feeling of travelling through time. It just...didn’t feel right. There was just something about all of the atoms in his body being pulled into a portable space-time-rift and then being spit out again with only a slight possibility of every piece of you leaving the machine at the same time that made Brian’s skin crawl. Or maybe that was the time machine slowing down.

“It’s time,” Danny dramatically said, pausing a moment to wait for Brian’s laughter and congratulations. He decided to explain. “You get it? Time. ‘Cause we’re in a time machine and...you know what? Nevermind.”

 _Good choice._ Brian said before pressing the Big Red Button™ down with his middle finger.

\-------------------------------------------------

After making sure that the built-in fog machine was one, Danny slowly opened the door. Very slowly opened the door.

Brian glared at him. _I thought this was an emergency._

“Ugh,” Danny groaned, throwing his head back. “Fine.”

With a reluctant screech, the door fell open. Danny stepped out first and struck a pose. His hands were on his hips and his head was pointing towards the left, his mouth open seductively. Brian rolled his eyes and teleported next to his partner, his arms across his chest.

“Hello,” Danny sensually whispered. “I’m Danny Sexbang. And that’s Ninja Brian. We’re here to save your world.”

The old Japanese couple in front of them screamed, and the husband quickly hobbled out of the room, still screaming. The wife fluttered her non-existent eyelashes and promptly died of a heart attack.

Danny stood up straight and looked at the dead woman on the floor. “Oh.”

Brian sighed. _Does this have to happen every time we go to the past? Anyways, we’d better go before the soldiers arrive or something._

“Yeah, okay,” Danny agreed. The two of them stepped off of the door and Brian psychically raised it back up. He could hear the old man yelling and more yelling soon followed. He and Danny shared a look before running out the back door.


	2. Issue Two: Where the fuck is Danny?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While on the run, Ninja Brian is left on his lonesome. But what's that, an unlikely ally!?

A couple of hours later, Brian stopped running to discover that Danny was mysteriously missing.

(helper, you’re here!)(you’re here, helper!)(they’re gone now, off looking for you.)(for you, yes, and your friend.)

_Danny_ , Brian thought.

(danny!)(danny!)

_Yes, Danny._

(danny’s hot!)(not as hot as you, sweetie.)(thanks, babe.)

_Do you see him?_

(yes.)(yes.)(he’s with arin.)(he’s with barry.)

Brian’s blood ran cold. He looked through the slowly thinning forest to see tall, thinning skyscrapers. He and Danny were in ancient Japan.

Samurai Abstinence Patrol.

_You two_ , Brian angrily thought. _Where’s Danny at?_

(we’re in a cell.)(no windows.)(no doors.)(no hope.)(no sex.)(no sex!)

_Concentrate._

(um…)(a city.)(a big city.)

_Fuck it, I’m psychic_ , Brian decided before tuning the voices out. He closed his eyes and thought of Daniel Y. Sexbang, his best friend and bandmate. He concentrated, and, suddenly, his vision went competely black.

“Gotcha,” an unfamiliar, vaguely accented, voice said.

(goddamnit.)(ross!)

Brian grabbed the stranger’s dick and flipped his over his shoulder. Now that Ross(?)’s hands weren’t covering his eyes anymore, Brian could see that his “attacker” was another ninja. A much skinnier and, admittedly, younger ninja. He didn’t have a mask on. Brian watched him squirm on the ground for a moment before walking over and kicking him in the stomach. (Brian almost saw his foot go out the other side.)

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,” Ross hissed.

_Oh, come on, it’s not like you had anything there in the first place_ , Brian sighed.

“T-then what did you gra-a-ab?” the other ninja grunted.

(goddamn it ross.)(bosses are gonna kill him.)

_Air. Very hard air_ , Brian said. _Fuck you._

Ross rolled onto his back and stared up at him. “You’re, like, really old.”

Brian kicked him again, but the other man took in a shaky breath and faintly smiled.

_Oh my God._ (oh my god.)(kinky bastard.)

“I think I’m in love,” Ross moaned.

_Fuck me_ , Brian grumbled.

“Other way around, and you’ve got it.”

Brian then had a scathingly brilliant idea. _You work for Neverbone and Samurai Barry, right?_

“I’m just a temp, but yeah,” Ross said. “Why?”

_I need to find my friend. And you want to partake in hot monkey sex with me. I think we can make this work_ , Brian shrugged.

“I know where Sexbang is,” Ross said after a heartbeat of silence.

_Good_ , Brian said, reaching out a hand to the other ninja. Ross took it and stood up, dusting off the seat of his pants. _The sooner we restore sex to the world, the sooner you get it._

(are you really gonna fuck him?)(i mean, if my boyfriend here was dead, i’d do him but…) _No I’m not. I’m gonna penetrate his ass_ (um…) _with a sword._


	3. Issue Three: A Stroll of Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Ninja Brian is dealing with a horny Australian, our other hero has been captured. What will Danny do, other than any hot blondes he finds lying around in the dark, totally-uncool dungeon!? And who are the mysterious foes who have overtaken our favorite sexual fiend!?

Danny woke to find himself ties to a bed, but not the way he usually liked it. Something felt...off. It was probably the fact that it was completely dark and no-one else was in the room with him. Or maybe it was the fact that he was knocked unconscious before being tied down. Yeah, he wasn’t really into that.

(we’re in a cell.)(no windows.)(no doors.)(no hope.)(no sex!)

Danny’s head hurt too much to wonder who the voices were talking to. The voices had started calling out to him a week ago, crying out that they were being oppressed. Danny decided to leave them for Brian to take care of because Brian, being Brian, was probably also hearing them. Then Danny had heard it, the straw that broke the metaphorical camel’s boner.

_(they won’t let us have sex!)(please help us!)_

After hearing that desperate plea for help, Danny had stayed up all night getting the time machine ready before getting Ninja Brian in the morning. Now Danny was tied to an admittedly-comfy bed in a dark cell and Brian was probably killing some poor bastard somewhere else.

There was a loud groan as a door opened a few feet in front of the bed. Squinting in the sudden light, Danny could barely make out the two figures posing in the light. A dude and a man.

“Samurai Abstinence Patrol,” Danny smiled, his voice sort-of hoarse, and not the sexy kind. “so we meet again.”

“Do not sound so happy,” Arin Neverbone said. “because you are about to be tortured.”

Samurai Barry grunted in agreement.

“Ugh, trust me, Arin, life without you has been torture enough,” Danny groaned.

“So says the man who tried to kill me,” Arin snorted.

“Us,” Barry reminded.

“Us. Who tried to kill us,” Arin corrected before hissing to his partner, “Are you happy now?”

Barry grunted, and Danny took that as a ‘yes’.

Arin and Barry pulled two lamps out of literally nowhere and lit them. The two men stepped into the cell and pulled the door closed behind them.

“What do you want with me?” Danny asked before adding, “You know, besides the obvious.”

“Oh, please,” Neverbone scoffed, “we are not even married-”

“Yet,” Barry interrupted with a small smirk.

Arin turned to his partner and punched him right across the face, Barry not flinching.

“Well, that wasn’t very nice,” Barry simply said.

“Shut up, dickhead.”

Danny chimed in. “Ooooo, you said a bad word! I’m gonna tell mom!”

Arin and Barry had been standing in the same spot this entire time. Neverbone flipped Danny off and started walking towards him. Well, he leisurely strolled towards him. Danny screamed. If there was one thing that terrified him, it was a leisurely stroll. Neverbone smiled. Barry looked confused.

“Um,” Barry said, “since when do you leisurely stroll?”

At the words ‘leisurely stroll’, Danny screamed again.

(goddamnit.)(ross!)

Arin stopped strolling. “What is the Australian prick doing now?”

Barry shrugged. “Dunno, breathing? You’re the one who hired him.”

Danny stopped screaming and asked, “Wait you can hear the voices, too? I thought only I could hear them.”

“Well-” Arin started.

“Oh, and Ninja Brian,” Danny added.

“Of cou-” Arin started again.

“And the Manticore,” Danny said.

“Who-”

“Wait!” Danny said, shocked. “The Manticore isn’t even in this story!”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, WILL YOU LET ME TALK FOR ONCE!?” Arin yelled, sounding a lot like a certain Dragon/back-up dancer he knew.

“Bro,” Barry calmly said, “chill out.”

Neverbone turned to his partner and threw a big, anime-style sword at him, yelling, “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! YOU CALM DOWN!”

Barry easily sidestepped the big-ass sword. “I am calm. You just have anger issues.”

Neverbone opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, but he seemed to reconsider it and instead turned back to Danny.

“To be fair,” Danny shrugged, “you do have some extreme anger issues. Like, wow.”

Arin started leisurely strolling again. Danny’s tortured screams echoed throughout the dungeon.

(goddamnit ross.)(bosses are gonna kill him.)

Danny could still hear the voices over his screaming. They stopped and he could hear them groan.

(oh my fucking god.)(kinky bastard.)

Samurai Barry’s eyes widened as if he was seeing something extremely gross.

“Arin,” he said, “Ross wants to have sex with the ninja.”

Neverbone stopped strolling again and angrily started towards the big metal door.

Danny called after him, “Does he mean Brian? ‘Cause Brian’s only mostly gay. You don’t really have anything to worry about.”

“What do you mean by ‘mostly gay’?” Barry frowned.

“It means,” Arine growled before the other man could answer, “that there is a chance that Ross and the ninja will fuck.”

(are you really gonna fuck him?)(i mean, if my boyfriend here was dead, i’d do him but…)

Danny shook his head. “Nah. Brian has high standards. None of them apply to me, of course.”

(um…)

Neverbone scowled and left the room, Samurai Barry right behind him. The door closed, leaving Danny alone in the dark.


End file.
